[Goatie Tales] The Bored Wizard - Chapter 1: The Tank

Hey everyone, I’m Goatie from Server 73.

This is something I’m trying out called Goatie Tales, a collection of short stories set in the world we all know, with a bit of humour and chaos mixed in. The first story is The Bored Wizard, about Merlin, an immortal who’s saved the world so many times that peace has become his greatest enemy.

With nothing left to fix, Merlin decides to fix his boredom instead. That means building a team, starting with a tank, and picking a fight with gnomes just to feel something again.

Welcome to chapter one.

Chapter One: The Tank

Merlin was upside down on a couch in the Hall of Immortals.

It was not a heroic pose. His boots hooked over the armrest, his cloak spilled across the marble floor, and a glowing portal hummed behind him, completely ignored. Merlin stared at the ceiling as if it had personally betrayed him.

“Immortality is mostly boredom,” he said. “And the rest is meetings.”

The statues lining the hall offered no comfort. They never did.

Merlin snapped his fingers, and a glowing orb appeared above his face. Futures spun inside it. Battles, sieges, kingdoms on the brink.

Nothing exploded.

He let the orb vanish.

“No invasions. No disasters. No screaming villagers,” Merlin muttered. “If peace lasts any longer, I am going to start a problem.”

He rolled off the couch, landed awkwardly, and stood up like that had been the plan all along.

“Alright,” he said. “Adventure.”

The portal behind him flared brighter, magic rippling across the Hall of Immortals.

Merlin took a step toward it, then stopped.

He frowned.

“Last time I went alone, I nearly got eaten by a hydra that could jump through time.”

Merlin turned back toward the statues, pacing slowly.

“New rule. No quests without a team.”

He stopped in front of one statue in particular. Shield raised. Stance unbreakable.

“First pick,” Merlin said. “A tank.”

He snapped his fingers.

The portal shifted.

A moment later, Merlin stepped onto a battlefield and immediately ducked. A spear flew past his head and vanished into the dust behind him.

“Sorry,” Merlin said. “Bad timing.”

The clash of bronze and steel filled the air. Soldiers fought all around him, but Merlin’s eyes were locked on one man.

Leonidas stood at the center of the chaos, shield locked, spear moving with brutal precision.

He turned, gaze sharp and unyielding.

“You,” Leonidas said. “Speak.”

Merlin raised a finger. “Short version. Wizard. Long version. Wizard who needs you.”

Leonidas studied him for a long moment.

“For battle?”

“Yes.”

“To protect a kingdom?”

“Very much so.”

Leonidas nodded once. He turned, shouted an order to his soldiers, and stepped into the portal without hesitation.

Merlin blinked.

“That was easier than expected.”

They emerged back into the Hall of Immortals. Leonidas looked around at the glowing runes, towering statues, and the couch sitting very much out of place.

“This is not Sparta,” Leonidas said.

“No,” Merlin replied. “Better furniture.”

The floor trembled.

High-pitched laughter echoed through the hall.

Merlin closed his eyes.

“Of course.”

Small figures spilled out from behind the pillars. Trynts. Gnome-sized pests with goggles, jagged blades, and far too much confidence.

“Shiny place!” one shouted.

“Break it!” yelled another.

“Stab wizard!” screamed a third, pointing directly at Merlin.

Leonidas raised his shield.

“Enemies?”

“Unfortunately,” Merlin said.

The Trynts charged.

Leonidas slammed his shield into the ground. The impact sent three Trynts flying backward into a statue with a heavy clang.

Another leapt at him and bounced off the shield like it had hit a wall.

Merlin flicked his wrist. Blue magic burst through the hall, launching two Trynts across the floor.

“Careful,” Merlin called. “Those statues are historical.”

A Trynt lunged at him, blade raised.

Merlin stepped aside.

“You are aggressive for something that small,” he said.

With a snap of his fingers, the Trynt vanished and reappeared directly in front of Leonidas.

Leonidas brought his shield down.

The remaining Trynts froze.

Leonidas took one step forward.

They screamed and vanished in a puff of smoke.

Silence returned to the Hall of Immortals.

Merlin brushed dust from his robes and smiled.

“See? Teamwork.”

Leonidas lowered his shield, calm and steady.

“I approve.”

Merlin turned back toward the portal, eyes bright with interest.

“One tank secured,” he said. “Next we find support. And someone who hits hard enough to make this interesting.”

The portal flared once more.

Leonidas smiled.

-

That’s chapter one of The Bored Wizard.

If Merlin were any more bored, he’d start another meeting just to cancel it. Leonidas is locked in, the Hall of Immortals is already under attack, and the gnomes have officially made this personal. Team building has begun, and this is only the tank.

I’d love to know what you think so far. Did Leonidas feel like the right first pick? Who would you send through the portal next, support or pure damage? And should Merlin be worried that gnomes found the Hall this fast, or is that just the price of poking things on purpose?

Drop your thoughts, predictions, or immortal suggestions below. This is Goatie Tales, and the party’s only just getting started.